So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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