I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
