I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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