i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
do nipples grow back?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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