You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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