she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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