Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
