i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
