i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
