even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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