Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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