i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
