How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
wow bdsm is so cute
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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