No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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