so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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