I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
