how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
