I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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