I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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