If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
