I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
