she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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