I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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