dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
