I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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