Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
false alarm, still single
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
