it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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