Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She's the barista slut.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
