omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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