Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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