I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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