70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
