So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
you never un-have a 4some
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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