Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
