I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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