so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
