they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
