OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
