i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I just googled if crying burns calories
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
