How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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