I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
