She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
