after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
