so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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