I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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