tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If I die, sorry about rent.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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