party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
