were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
