I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
