So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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