Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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