all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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