I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I party with great urgency now.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
