Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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